I'm broken

"Funktheduck" (funktheduck) 08/03/2017 at 12:16 • Filed to: None

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After almost 8 1/2 years she said no more. I won’t go into details because they don’t really matter and some are pretty cliché. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I have the flu combined with a stomach bug. Everything hurts. She’s giving me some time to find a place to live but all I want is to be in that house with her and happy. I get to search for a house in a college town that allows dogs, isn’t in a bad part of town or off a major road, and isn’t over budget with less than a week before classes start. I’ve never been so confused, stressed, and hurt in my life.

Party-vi > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 12:26

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What is the living situation? Rental, lease, mortgage? My sister did this to my brother-in-law after 8 years, a new house and two kids. I fucking feel for you.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 12:30

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Aw man... sorry to hear that. But one question... why do you have to be the one moving out and not her? If she wants to end things, unless she owns the place or it’s only her name on the rental agreement, then she should be the one to have to go through the inconvenience of moving, no?

Also, are there kids involved? If so, then DON’T MOVE OUT. Moving out means you end up fucking yourself over of having any chance at being treated fairly when it comes to custody.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 12:35

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That’s really rough, I’m sorry.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never had a relationship regardless of how long it lasted or how badly it ended that I didn’t eventually get over. But that’s not worth very much, because I know thinking that way never really helped matters at the time.

There’s an adage that states that you can have one month of being sad about a relationship for every year that it lasted. So hopefully your feel free to complain as much as you want on Oppo for the next 8-1/2 months. I’ve certainly relished having carte blanche to make all of my friends have to put up with my moping.

As for apartments, are you opposed to a roommate or roommates? I suspect that you’ll have an easier time finding people who took an apartment out of desperation and need to fill bedrooms.

Svend > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 12:38

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Bloody hell, sorry an.

Like Manwich has said, why are you the one having to move? I’m assuming there’s no kids involved but you have a dog or two.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 13:06

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While not as long as yours, I went through a tough breakup myself about two months back. Almost three years, and so many ventures and adventures together rendered worthless from a series of brutal arguments...I can empathize with how you described the feeling afterwards. Never forget the words of wisdom - this too shall pass.....it might pass like a kidney stone, but it shall pass. 

Fortune smiled on me and things got much better, quite quickly. I wish the same onto you while you heal and reconstruct yourself.

Funktheduck > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 08/03/2017 at 13:26

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Thanks. Sucks so hard.

Funktheduck > Party-vi 08/03/2017 at 13:27

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The house is in her name. I won’t incur any losses there because it was her money put into it to begin with.

Funktheduck > Svend 08/03/2017 at 13:29

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Technically her house. In her name. She put the money in for the down payment. I paid my monthly share and helped with upkeep and whatnot but in the end m, hers

RPM esq. > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 13:34

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I just went through something similar after 13 years, so let me tell you from recent experience: it may not be easy, but it does get easi er . The Former Mrs. RPM and RPM Jr. went on vacation for much of June to give me time to find a place and pack. The darkest moment was probably Father’s Day, alone and packing to move out of our house. For this to happen, your relationship probably wasn’t in a super healthy place to begin with, and you may find that some space and time to yourself is a relief, even if you miss her at times. I did, although I admittedly haven’t gotten used to sleeping alone. I found house hunting difficult for exactly the reasons you said—I didn’t want to move out!—but it ultimately worked out OK. Hang in there! Time heals most wounds.

Svend > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 13:35

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Man, still sucks.

I hope the pain is over quickly and you can put it behind you.

Funktheduck > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/03/2017 at 13:35

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One positive thing anyone who knows me can say is I’m resilient. Once I find a place (and furniture) and get used to not having her there things will get better. I know they will. Doesn’t make it hurt any less now.

Roommates are basically out because one of my dogs is not great with other people. She can be but few people are willing to put in the effort to earn her trust. Townhouses and apartments are out because they’ll bark too much

Funktheduck > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 08/03/2017 at 13:39

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Her house. I was commuting to work. I’m basically just moving back to where we used to live. I’ll save time and gas but will be over an hour away from my best friend instead of a 10 minute drive. I don’t have friends out here anymore

ETA: no kids. My dogs and her dog that we had before we started so no custody issues

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 13:40

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Damn. I’m sorry...

Funktheduck > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 08/03/2017 at 13:41

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Me too

random001 > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 13:43

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Been there, man. Same time together, too. It was brutal, or at least I thought so at the time. I was able to look back and actually see how bad things were, things I was blind to at the time. It gave me perspective I’d never had before on life, relationships, the whole thing. I know nothing said (typed?) can really make it better, but we’re here for you.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 14:09

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I can totally understand that. I have a Rottweiler, which basically makes me some sort of rental leper.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 14:15

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Also, don’t be afraid or feel wrong or weak or anything of the like for calling up a therapist. I was able to bounce back from some pretty abusive and toxic behavior on the part of my ex thanks to a good therapist. Funny part was I walked in thinking *I* was some horrible person. After just four sessions she was like “A) You’re not a monster. B) She’s avoiding responsibility for her actions and deflecting it to you C) You’re normal, but are quick to spout an opinion or jump into action. Cut that out and your relationships with everyone will improve. D) Sometimes you need to learn to walk away from things. Getting better at walking away from something on fire will help you live a happier life. Okay, that’s it. No meds, no further therapy. Just go live your life and remember what I told you.”

It was also helpful to have a space to talk about it without other people around me or risk things I said coming back to me.

Funktheduck > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/03/2017 at 14:17

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Yeah. Breed restrictions are real and usually unnecessary and unfounded

Funktheduck > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 08/03/2017 at 14:19

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Unfortunately things weren’t toxic. I had a long toxic relationship. When it ended I wasn’t even sad. I felt relief. This one? Nothing but pain. It was great. She was great.

Rico > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 14:22

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There’s always a silver lining. My friend just finishing divorcing his wife and finalizing the papers. He is literally the happiest person now, freedom can be a wonderful thing. You can now make any decision you want without needing to mentally consider anyone else’s feelings or opinion.

Imagine any girl you’ve ever turned down (or turned down being friends with) in the last 8 years due to being in a relationship, now you don’t have to. Or plans you couldn’t attend because maybe she didn’t want to go or didn’t want you to go. Hit up Tinder and get back out there being the best Funktheduck you can be.

Chariotoflove > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 14:26

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I’m sorry you have to go through this. After so long with one person, it’s scary and strange to have to change everything, even if you aren’t still in love (which makes everything suck times 100). I’m convinced that all of us in long term relationships hit patches rough enough to make us fantasize about getting at some point, but that barrier to change is part of what makes us stay. I have no idea whether time will make this change look like a blessing or a curse for your life, but right now, it just hurts.

Rico > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 14:28

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Lessons to learn all around, you have to be aware of these things so that you don’t make the same mistakes.

Never again, in your life, move into a girl’s house. Trust me. Either you live separate or you get your place together (both on lease).

I learned this lesson from a really young age (early teens) from some of my older friends who made those kinds of mistakes.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 14:42

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:(

$kaycog > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 14:52

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Hang in there, buddy. *hug*

Funktheduck > Rico 08/03/2017 at 14:53

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We’ve lived together before this house. My name was originally gonna be on it but the interest rate on the mortgage would have gone up because I haven’t owned my business long enough

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/03/2017 at 14:54

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“I have a Rottweiler, which basically makes me some sort of rental leper.”

As a landlord (I rent out my basement), I have to say you’re completely right about that. I wouldn’t rent to anyone with a Rottweiler.

And if I was renting a whole house, I might consider it, but would charge extra to cover the extra wear/damage big dogs do to floors, landscaping, possible complaints from neighbors, etc.

6691 zapS > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 15:03

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Well I tend do look at it as experience for when you find the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Maybe have some study on what went wrong so you don’t get in the same situation.

I feel for you it hurts like a Bitch.

Woman are the Spawn of Satan, I love the Spawn of Satan.

Monkey B > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 15:23

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Sorry to hear, My marriage ended in February and I had to move as well...and need to again soon. Been a rough year so far, but I try and look forward. If it was this far gone then perhaps you might feel some relief in short order. Easier to reflect once removed from the situation. If it helps, casual sex is even easier to find than it was 8 years ago...been helpful for me anyway. Here’s hoping things look up quickly for you.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 15:33

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You know, if you’re in a jurisdiction that recognizes Common Law Marriage (like most Canadian provinces), and if you lived together long enough (and after 8.5 years, if you were in Ontario, it would be considered ‘common law’, that house would then be considered the “matrimonial home”... meaning you’re entitled to half the equity... regardless of whether your name is on the deed.

Note that I think that this aspect of family law is complete bullshit... but it’s still the law.

It’s one of the top reasons why *I* won’t have anyone I date move in with me.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 08/03/2017 at 15:57

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I can’t really refute this at the moment, since some asshole who will remain nameless dug two 1 foot deep holes in my yard trying to find a mole.

I can also sort of understand it more generally. Years ago, when I had my first job in Manhattan, I answered an ad some lady put up for a bedroom in her UES apartment. It was insanely cheap—cheaper than anything I could have found anywhere in Manhattan, but you had to be dog friendly, which I was. Except when I called, she told me she had a pitbull and asked if I was comfortable with that. I don’t think any breed is inherently dangerous, but I still wasn’t comfortable coming and going from an apartment with a dog that could murder me and to whom I was a complete stranger.

Funktheduck > Rico 08/03/2017 at 16:16

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Your optimism in my ability to attract women is misplaced

Funktheduck > Monkey B 08/03/2017 at 18:17

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Never been into the casual sex myself. It just really sucks to think you have your life in order and everything hunky dory and then bam.

Funktheduck > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 08/03/2017 at 18:18

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I don’t think my state has that

Rico > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 18:21

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But You attracted her didn’t you? I’m sure you’ve attracted tons of girls over the years you just didn’t realize it because you were too wrapped up in your relationship. Hit up your buddies and start to expand your social circles a bit that’s the easiest way to meet new people.

nermal > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 18:34

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Sorry to hear. That type of thing happens, and if things didn’t go wrong, you wouldn’t appreciate them when they go right.

I recommend starting a new hobby. Not something that she hated or would never let you do, just something completely new. Take up golf, or tennis, or painting, or adventuring, or kayaking, or something else. Grow yourself, make some new friends, and work on improving you, without her.

Easier said than done naturally.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Rico 08/03/2017 at 18:54

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Ugh. I was/am in an open relationship. I was disgusted by how many women came up to me after my breakup and were like “Yeah, so, totally wanted to see you more often, buuuuuuuuuut she was um.......kinda territorial and bitchy towards me so since you dumped the trash and kept the good one, you free saturday?” Made me feel like such a chump for a while. But that’s in the past.

Even if it isn’t a toxic relationship, people definitely give off a different vibe when they’re with someone. Hopefully good things come around for him.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > nermal 08/03/2017 at 18:58

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^This right here. It’s hard, but it will help.

I used to have a weekly date night when I was dating my ex. The first week after we broke up, I decided I wasn’t going to go to the restaurant we used to frequent, and I didn’t want to be some sad sack in a bar. SO for a distraction, I picked up a book I had been meaning to read for a while and basically had a “Distinguished gentleman’s night in”. Complete with two glasses of glenlivet 15, a steak, and top gear reruns. I did it again last week. It’s been a great bit of self-therapy to get past things.

Rico > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 08/03/2017 at 19:12

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Definitely, he’s going to be fine. He just needs to play his cards right. Of course there’s a period where you don’t want to be bothered with meeting people but he has to force himself out of that and get out to social places with friends.

If I were him I’d focus on just being friends with girls for now, if it leads to something intimate that’s fine but the key is don’t get sprung/catch feelings off that one person and especially being intimate with that someone. Unless it materializes into something more real.

Monkey B > Funktheduck 08/03/2017 at 21:32

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I hear ya, I was a bit blindsided too, even though there were warning signs. Just remember that some things you can’t control...especially other peoples feelings. Sometimes you grow together and sometimes apart. Day at a time, things will be in your favor again soon enough.